dark-chocolate

 

When I get tired–and I mean so tired I cannot walk straight, or see straight,  I can’t think straight, either. I notice I have incredibly negative and self defeaing thoughts like, “I’ll never do this,” and “Everyone else does it better than I ever could,” and “I’ll always be fat and in pain,” and other nasties. But seriously, these thoughts are a step up from the ones I used to have when I was younger. I used to think “I’m not worth it,” and “No one loves me.” Thank god I don’t have those thoughts anymore.

Now, along with the nasties comes the urge to eat junk. Ice cream with chocolate sauce. Brownies. Potato chips. Chocolate bars. M&Ms. Cinnamon rolls. And when nothing else is available? Bowl after bowl of cereal. It is just how I coped.

Today, I can’t stop thinking about bread and hummus. Eating a nectarine. Eating a square ( or two, or three) of 70% chocolate. (I tried 85%. It just left me still craving chocolate.)

But I am still using food to cope with my negative emotions. (Not incidentally, I also use food to cope with tiredness even when it’s not triggering negative thoughts. I also use it to cope with disappointment, anger, hurt and helplessness.)

I am going to have to find another way, don’t you think?

 

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