It wasn’t supposed to come to this.

This is the unraveling of an inside seam repair on the pair of pants I wear for work. The pair. Yes. Singular. I have one pair of very expensive yoga pants (that don’t look like yoga pants) which I wear to work. I’m a paint associate in a big box hardware store. They are comfy, stretchy and they breathe.

They are obviously too small. I made the first repair several weeks ago, in haste, before my shift with blue thread. The second, last week, also in haste…but I’d unearthed the black thread by then.

I really should buy a new pair. I’ve known that since, oh, I’d say about September, October. A while now. But, I thought I’d wait…so I could buy a smaller size. But that’s obviously not going to happen.

So I need to buy the same size (there are none larger, in fact, there may not even exist anymore)….but I can’t bring myself to do it. I promised myself I would buy a smaller size. I promised myself I would need a smaller size.

I am depressed and defeated. Even when I was losing weight, I was losing it so slowly, I was scared to blink lest it come right back. It was discouraging…and about three, four weeks ago, just about the time I noticed the blue threads had  pulled out, I gave up. Completely.

For various reasons, I stopped working out at home. Then, I stopped going to yoga. (Oh god, the pain I was in.) Then, I stopped eating mostly healthy and started eating mostly badly. I stopped meditating a long while ago…and I stopped doing my morning pages on Dec 16th. And here we are now with a chocolate hang over so severe I am almost ready to forswear it forever.

But you know I won’t.

So. I am getting help. So-expensive-I-don’t-deserve-it help. I’ve decided to sign up for coaching from Precision Nutrition. It is a year long program with daily actions and accountability. It is so costly, it makes my head spin–and I’ve been battling with myself about whether or not I am “worth it.”  I am also scared. Right now, the cost of the program is enough to ensure my compliance…but will it have the same effect in August? If not, it will be a heck of a waste.

Registration is January 10th. Until then, I’ll mend my pants.

For the last time.